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 What makes a good review? 
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Star Trooper
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
I'd rate everything in Chantlers.

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Thu Jul 28, 2011 2:36 pm
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Star Trooper
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Lugzan wrote:
I'd rate everything in Chantlers.


1 would be a pretty big score on its own.

I always wanted to do percentages, with decimal points. 'Persistence Of Time' isn't a 9/10 or a 4/5, it's an 87.4%.

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Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:56 pm
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Darth Fucking Vader
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
3 fists.


Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:59 pm
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Climate Control
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
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Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:11 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
JCC wrote:
Chris Chantler wrote:
I always wanted to do percentages, with decimal points. 'Persistence Of Time' isn't a 9/10 or a 4/5, it's an 87.4%.

You should write for Pitchfork, it would be a novelty if someone who actually listened to metal wrote their metal reviews.


It'd be a novelty if someone over there reviewed some hip-hop without using the word "braggadocio", but that's probably even less likely than the metal thing.


Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:05 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
I used to love reading Xavier Russell's reviews in Kerrang years ago. Every letter c was written as a k, every alternate line (or sometimes, even word) WAS WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CAPITALS, and I especially used to like the way he misheard half the lyrics on the albums he was reviewing.
My favourite of those had to be his translation of Kreator's Riot of Violence in his review to Pleasure to Kill. "Bloody wounds on his body, praying for his gut" and "Why should we care about him, he would like to die".

To be fair to him though, his review for Reign in Blood was excellent, featuring every one of his signature trademarks mentioned above. "March to the kingdom of the dead" indeed.

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Sun Aug 07, 2011 10:37 am
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Spiny Norman wrote:
I used to love reading Xavier Russell's reviews in Kerrang years ago. Every letter c was written as a k

I hated that. Klassik albums me hole.

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Sun Aug 07, 2011 7:08 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Ken Russell's son.

He was entertaining but had a terrible penchant for AOR. Night Ranger, that sort of thing, made Chris DeBurgh look cutting edge.


Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:48 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Sister Christian is a choon, as is (You Can Still) Rock in America.

The first two albums are pretty good actually. But Blades was better in Damn Yankees.


Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:52 pm
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Space Ranger
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Wretch wrote:
Sister Christian is a choon, as is (You Can Still) Rock in America.

The first two albums are pretty good actually. But Blades was better in Damn Yankees.


You're going to get Was' dander up!



The best reviews should make no sense at all.

"This album was very monkey, but kind of brackish. Like fucking and vomiting at the same time; I like to listen to it in the bath with some bubbles while chewing on aluminum foil. I might would rather listen to Kitty, but then my anus speaks worlds".

^What album am I reviewing?^


Mon Aug 08, 2011 11:37 am
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NoVice
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Reading some reviews of late I wonder how much of a listen these reviewers actually give a cd? is it just a case of flick through the first couple of second of each track and then make your mind up or do they get time to give a cd a few good runs through?


Fri Sep 09, 2011 4:14 pm
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Darth Fucking Vader
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
deadthyme wrote:
The best reviews should make no sense at all.



I've mentioned her before, and no-one else has ever seemed to remember, but Terrorizer very briefly employed someone called Raffalela Guerrina (probably a pseudonym) who only reviewed brutal DM in a completely abstract way. "The riffs reflect the savage reality of the natural order of procreation and survival, while the vocals mirror humanities struggle against its own need for destruction". Great for a bit, but got tiring pretty quickly.


Fri Sep 09, 2011 9:42 pm
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Super Trooper
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
That sounds a bit like a pisstake of other high-minded journos (hopefully).

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Sun Sep 11, 2011 12:05 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
It's possible. I know 'Harry Cleaver' was one of Nick (Terry's) pseudonyms.


Sun Sep 11, 2011 4:47 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
deadthyme wrote:



The best reviews should make no sense at all.

"This album was very monkey, but kind of brackish. Like fucking and vomiting at the same time; I like to listen to it in the bath with some bubbles while chewing on aluminum foil. I might would rather listen to Kitty, but then my anus speaks worlds".

^What album am I reviewing?^

I have no idea. Tell me.


Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:28 pm
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Space Ranger
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
bás wrote:
deadthyme wrote:



The best reviews should make no sense at all.

"This album was very monkey, but kind of brackish. Like fucking and vomiting at the same time; I like to listen to it in the bath with some bubbles while chewing on aluminum foil. I might would rather listen to Kitty, but then my anus speaks worlds".

^What album am I reviewing?^

I have no idea. Tell me.


I actually can't remember now if it was the new Limp Bizkit or the new Morbid Angel...


Wed Sep 21, 2011 9:41 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Limp Bizkit > Morbid Angel.

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Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:22 pm
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Painkiller wrote:
I can remember reading a review of something that consisted entirely of "Ahahahahahaha", and then a mark of zero, but I can't remember what it was or where.

That would be MUDVAYNE "LD-50" perhaps? The review was (close to);


"No. Nononono...(40 or 50 times over) then "Come Back KORN. All is forgiven."

Silly because it was lazy and relied on an admittedly shit picture of the band. Also, that album happened to be pretty damn good and not NEARLY the Nu turd one might glean it was from said review.

That MITHRAS album WAS a big letdown. Their intros and interludes were pretty killer though. I've noticed a more than occasional tendency for Tez get a bit too gooey over UK bands in general. Not so much that they want to promote them more or give them higher marks, but that they tend to mention that they are British, or that they hold a new hope for Britain or any given writers pride that they are actually British. Seems lacking in impartiality.

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Thu Sep 22, 2011 12:44 am
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Comes from the island mentality. We basically are the equivalent of Napolean syndrome but as an entire nation.

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Thu Sep 22, 2011 12:49 am
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Post Re: What makes a good review?
Duckstyle wrote:
I've noticed a more than occasional tendency for Tez get a bit too gooey over UK bands in general. Not so much that they want to promote them more or give them higher marks, but that they tend to mention that they are British, or that they hold a new hope for Britain or any given writers pride that they are actually British. Seems lacking in impartiality.

British music press right there. Most UK music magazines (from Q to Metal Hammer to NME) will do an issue once every two years or so with four or five mediocre bands on the cover with a UK flag in the background and the slogan "THE BRITPACK ARE COMING - Meet Britain's most exciting new bands!" The Britpack are not, and never were, coming.

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Thu Sep 22, 2011 10:00 am
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