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 The 'I am a dumb shit sometimes' thread 
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Storm Trooper
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
I was doing circuit training at work with a bunch of men. I was punching and the guy holding the mitts started yelling, "Your trousers! Your trousers!" I looked down and somehow a tiny hole laddered the material side ways, then down and sideways again, causing not a split, but a huge flap revealing all of my knickers and crotch area. I scuffled off and had to wait in a little room while someone went to find a shop to get me a needle and thread. Because they laddered, I had to sew unaffected parts together so I had my knee up near my vag and one really skinny leg. It was the most uncomfortable walk home. It was my birthday as well.


Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:39 pm
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Super Trooper
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
its good that we can laugh about this now though isnt it

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Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:54 pm
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Once I was standing in a massive queue for a ski lift quite high up the mountain so everyone was really 'flashy' and 'cool'. I had a bit too much to drink at lunch and somehow fell out of the long stationary queue in to the deep pit where the chair goes round then raises to ground level where people wait to be scooped up. Immediately everyone started screaming at me to duck in lots of different languages in between laughing. I lay flat while a chair went over me, then tried to get up before the next one. I couldn't so after another one went over me, they had to stop the chair lift so I could unstrap my board and climb out.


Last edited by Sacrebleurgh on Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:22 am, edited 1 time in total.



Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:05 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Shit Eagle wrote:
She also shit herself in a cab.


My friends sister shit in her boyfriends car when she was drunk, and puked all over the side of the car, then tried to make it to the toilet during the night, couldn't find the light switch, and crapped/puked all over the bathroom. His old man went in next morning and he said the cry he let out when he saw the devastation still haunts him.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:12 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Shit Eagle wrote:
She also shit herself in a cab.


I've done this. I managed to get a taxi ride from Trafalgar Square to Palmers Green for a fiver so in the end I won.

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WarrenSchofield wrote:
FULL OF HARD COCKS!

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I'd do Barbara Windsor.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:17 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
i once got so wrecked,i progectile vomited all over my mates bathroom, then shit and pissed myself self after passing out. he will never let me forget it.

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Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:36 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Another mate of mine turned up to a rather sedate party fucked out of his mind and wearing a pair of shit soaked jeans. He was taken up to the bathroom to clean himself up and given a pair of clean jeans. Not knowing what to do with his shitty trousers he decided the best thing to do would be to throw them out of the window. Once he cleaned himself up he went out into the garden to join the party only to find a load of rather annoyed people standing around a BBQ covered in shit dripping from his jeans which had got caught up a tree.

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WarrenSchofield wrote:
FULL OF HARD COCKS!

Zagreus wrote:
I'd do Barbara Windsor.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:41 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
hahahaha excelent.

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Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:43 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Shallowthing wrote:
I am currently having difficulty removing my left boot due to an unfortunate knot in the lace.


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Enos = Psychedelic space chimp goodness

WarrenSchofield wrote:
FULL OF HARD COCKS!

Zagreus wrote:
I'd do Barbara Windsor.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:44 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Many years ago, I went out with two gay mates and had too much to drink. Apparently the female bouncer at GAY turned me away for not being able to stand unaided so I came on to her, then collapsed. My mates carried me to a taxi in which I gave them the height of homophobic verbal abuse. They tried to carry me from the taxi to my house, but an unknown neighbour put me over his shoulder and carried me in to my mum's because I still lived with her. He propped me up on the sofa where I puked down my chest. I then started choking on puke so he put his fingers in my mouth and pulled out the obstructions from my throat. Everyone left and my mum had to strip me naked of my puke covered clothing. She hung them on a clothes horse. I stayed in bed for 2 days as I felt like death, then when I went to work on Monday I put on the underwear hanging on the clothes horse thinking they were there because they had been washed. I could smell vomit everywhere I went and it made me feel so sick I got sent home from work. Then I discovered I had bits of half digested olives and mushrooms in my bra.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:02 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
hve you ever shit in a kettle?

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Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:13 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
At my sister's wedding (FYI I was 16 at the time) I got so drunk I started a fight with one of my cousins, outted another one of my cousins to my gran, threatened to beat up my brother in law and his best man if he ever mistreated my sister, spilt a pint of beer over my sister's mother in law, copped of with my best mate's girlfriend, got taken home on the back of a flat bed truck, trashed my room and then woke up in a pool of vomit. I was ill for days. My family still think it's hilarious to bring this up at any possible opportunity.

I left the house with the TV remote instead of my phone the other day and only realised when I went to ring someone. This isn't the first time this has happened.

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Enos = Psychedelic space chimp goodness

WarrenSchofield wrote:
FULL OF HARD COCKS!

Zagreus wrote:
I'd do Barbara Windsor.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:20 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
:lol: :lol: I feel better again.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:26 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Shit Eagle wrote:
:lol: :lol: I feel better again.


As I said, I am a grade A idiot. Learn to embrace it.

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Enos = Psychedelic space chimp goodness

WarrenSchofield wrote:
FULL OF HARD COCKS!

Zagreus wrote:
I'd do Barbara Windsor.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:29 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Can the remote reasonably be mistaken for the phone?


Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:40 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Shit Eagle wrote:
Can the remote reasonably be mistaken for the phone?


Not even slightly. It's a Sky remote.

I've just remembered another couple of idiotic moments.

When I was still living in Cambridge I was going out with a lovely but long suffering girl (who is now a lesbian) who was a bit of a hippy. She turned up to the pub on day in a rather lovely flowing hippy chic dress, the sort of thing you'd expect to see Michelle Phillips wearing. She looked stunning. I got up and went to give her a hug but because I'd been at the beer for a few hours I slipped over. On my way down I reached out and grabbed the neckline of her dress and ripped it right down the front. She wasn't wearing any underwear. She was in a bit of a mood with me for a while but I was a hero in the pub.

Recently I decided I would ask the rather lovely barmaid at my local on a date. She's very sweet so I figured it would be best to try and hide the fact that I am a massive wanker. Because I'm not too sure how to go about this whole single thing I was a bit nervous so decided it would be wise to get a few beers in me. Once I'd built up the courage I staggered over, opened my mouth and said "would you like to go on a date with to, I dunno, a fucking cinema or something? I'll buy you an ice cream." She looked me straight in the eye and just said "No" and carried on with what she was doing. I felt like a massive bellend. I could hear the words coming out of my mouth but couldn't stop them. "I'll buy you an ice cream!" I'm 31 for fuck's sake!!

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Enos = Psychedelic space chimp goodness

WarrenSchofield wrote:
FULL OF HARD COCKS!

Zagreus wrote:
I'd do Barbara Windsor.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:42 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Enos wrote:
Shit Eagle wrote:
Can the remote reasonably be mistaken for the phone?


Not even slightly. It's a Sky remote.


Hahahahahaha!


Mon Apr 04, 2011 3:01 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Enos wrote:
I could hear the words coming out of my mouth but couldn't stop them.


I did that at my cousins wedding. One of his wifes ex neighbours was there, and I went over to chat her up, and I could hear myself slurring and talking shite, and I thought to myself "shes not interested, and even if she was, you've blown it" but I still couldn't stop. Also, I woke up the next day covered in blood, and it wasn't mine (no, it wasn't her blood)

Mind you, I was mixing Miller, Guinness and Jamesons, so it was always going to be a disaster. Luckily everyone else was just as bad, so either they can't remember, or they are in no position to judge me.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:27 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
Jesus, I don't feel so bad for downing a bottle of vodka and waking up (alone) the following morning in my mate's brother's bed, wearing a vomit mask.

Shit Eagle wrote:
Can the remote reasonably be mistaken for the phone?

Oh yeah, my grandfather used to answer the remote regularly.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:29 am
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Post Re: the 'i am a dumb shit sometimes' thread
When I was drinking a lot I used to wake up in random places. Golf courses, gardens, on a wall, in bed with a lass in the middle of nowhere in someone elses clothes.

I just remembered another one that was quite bad. I was invited to a house party by my ex's hippie aunt and her friends. They had a few bands in the garage and everything, and lots of drink, and other illicit substances floating around. From what I've been told and the few bits I can remember, I attempted to strip, then stood pissing and bullshitting to what I thought was another bloke washing his hands after having a wee, but it turned out to be a girl who was in the jacks crying. I fell backwards and hit my head on a rock in the garden, and then decided I would walk home, despite being in the middle of nowhere and having no idea of how to get back. I just figured if I walked towards the lights in the distance I'd be home. The host had to come looking for me in a jeep. Then I puked in the bus on the way home before passing out. They still invited me back to their next party. I only fell asleep and drooled on a blow up chair at that one.

The best drunken fuck ups I ever saw were when we used to go knacker drinking on the banks of the river. One bloke fell off a little cliff hitting every rock with his face on the way down, putting huge gash in his upper lip and breaking his nose, and he still insisted on going for chips. Another guy threw his beer hat in the river by mistake, and got into retrieve it, losing his glasses. Next morning he was spotted in the river in his y fronts looking blindly for both.


Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:48 am
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