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 Film Thread VI 
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
It was on the Horror channel the other night, I recorded it on a whim. Might pass a couple of hours. That cheesy guy who I only remember from an episode of Star Trek TNG (Matt McCoy) seems to be the lead, but Ferrer is usually fun.

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Tue Apr 02, 2019 10:53 am
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Yeah, it's also got Taurean Blacque from Hill Street Blues, Greg Evigan from My Two Dads (and father of the rather lovely Briana), and Elya Basin (aka that actor they hire whenever they want an amusing, heavily accented Russian - see Spider-Man 2/3, Air Force One, Spy Hard, Moscow on the Hudson etc. etc.)

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Tue Apr 02, 2019 1:48 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Benchley = forgotten author.

Haven't seen The Deep on decades. I just recall the poster misrepresenting the tone of the film.

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Tue Apr 02, 2019 9:46 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Spiny Norman wrote:
My favourite out of Leviathan and The Rift which came out around the same time. Most of the monster action comes in the last half hour but there's enough action to keep the interest up. Miguel Ferrer's character is such a fucking weasel.

And Ferris Bueller's mother!

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Tue Apr 02, 2019 10:45 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
The Favourite: imagine a poor man's The Draughtman's Contract shot like a Kubrick film mixed with a bit of Welles. Has its moments, but it's bloody overrated. 5.5/10

Suspiria (2018): this director likes Aronofsky more than Argento. Black Swan must be one of his favs. Has some moments but pretty drab and lifeless overall. Silly too. 4.5 or 5.

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Sat Apr 13, 2019 5:54 am
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Agree about The Favourite (although I liked it a little more than you - and compared to the more recent Mary Queen of Scots, it's a masterpiece) but I loved the new Suspiria, even if it did go on too long.

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Sun Apr 14, 2019 3:14 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
^^The big gory scene at the end was ruined by Yorke's crap music. The director was too concerned with being respectable. and that fat old witch with glasses was like something out of Star Wars :lol:

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Sun Apr 14, 2019 10:46 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Spiny Norman wrote:
GREEN BOOK
At this time of year, one film always stands out as total Oscar bait, and this year it's Green Book. In fact, if there was a guidebook to winning Oscars, then this film read it from back to front and back again.
A true story (ding!) about racism (ding!) in the deep south, the story, brimming with social commentary (ding!) follows a black (ding!), gay (ding!) musician (Mahershala Ali) (ding!) and his racist Italian New York (ding!) chauffeur/bodyguard/gopher Viggo Mortensen as they tour across the states, beginning the film disliking each other but becoming friends by the end (ding, ding, ding!).

The thing is, although being as utterly obvious as it sounds, it's still a damn good film, with Ali nailing one standout piece of "Oscar moment" dialogue. It's dark, racist, and harsh, but also bittersweet and funny (ding!), and just a thoroughly enjoyable film, rather surprisingly directed by Peter Farrelly (There's Something About Mary, Shallow Hal, Stuck On You, Dumb and Dumber).
4 Fists.


I just watched this. I'd give it a strong 3 personally, but I can't disagree with anything you said. It is a well written and acted film. Viggo and Mahershala have good chemistry, and I didn't pick up on any ill intent by the film makers. The film seems slightly dated in some respects, more like the racially themed films of the 90's and early 00's, but not really in a bad way.

It's nothing special, basically the modern Driving Miss Daisy as Spike Lee says, but I much preferred it to BlackKklansman, and there are far worse films that have won best picture. e.g Crash etc.

The fact that it was a surprisingly big hit is good news for Farrelly who hasn't really had a real success in a long time. Dumb and Dumber To doesn't count, that was just a nostalgia piece. He doesn't seem at all uncomfortable directing this sort of material, and perhaps his future lies in middlebrow dramas like Green Book.

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Fri Apr 19, 2019 12:32 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI


Nice.

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Wed May 01, 2019 1:41 am
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: DEJA VU
(2019)

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A lot of water has passed under the bridge since the original I Spit On Your Grave was released. Forty-one years of it all told. In that time, the "video nasties" scare came and went (although it still returns briefly in different forms every now and again whenever the media discover the latest random psycho/gun nut has a couple of horror films in his movie collection), and the series was rebooted in 2010 with a remake, and two sequels which followed shortly after. Better produced and twice as brutal as the original, these three adventures in torture porn should have been more than enough grave spitting for one lifetime.

Unfortunately, Meir Zarchi - the director of the original movie - thought differently, and at the tender age of eighty, somehow came to the conclusion that four decades later, the world needed a proper sequel and took his place behind the camera once again. Obviously not wanting to upset the misguided octogenarian, nobody appeared to speak up against him, and I Spit On Your Grave: Deja Vu is the disastrous result.

Firstly, let's start with the fact that the film is TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG. Seriously, wtf? If this was a big budget Hollywood blockbuster full of explosions and barely understandable time travel then okay, that would be fine. But it isn't. It's an extremely low budget bit of schlocky rape/revenge nonsense that becomes a pain in the arse to watch after just thirty excruciating minutes.

Those of you who remember the nineties might remember a comedian called Jim Tavaré. You know, the tall posh guy with the double bass who was only ever funny for about five or ten minutes? Yeah well, for reasons best known to his agent, he actually stars in this godawful mess. Playing a redneck baddie while sporting a half-arsed Lemmy moustache, a pair of dungarees, and a ridiculous stutter, for most of his time on screen, Tavaré comes across like a hillbilly Basil Fawlty with a speech impediment, and his character - like most things in the film - makes little to no sense at all. First he's a bad guy. Then he's a good guy. Then he's a bad guy again. Oh, just kill the bald dickhead already, will you.

The story - what there is of it - has the rape victim from the original (Zarchi's real life wife, Camille Keaton) coming to a small town to promote her book and meet up with her supermodel daughter. Kidnapped by the families of the men she killed in the original, Keaton is raped, murdered and beheaded, while her daughter is merely kidnapped and raped. Good times.

Escaping the rapists, the daughter discovers the body of her mother, goes bonkers and basically re-enacts the original film, sometimes exactly and even word for word. For ninety more minutes, the air is filled with the sound of rednecks with Tourette's Syndrome relentlessly shouting "FUCK!", "CUNT!", "FUCK!", "SHIT!" at anything that moves, only stopping occasionally to die in a variety of unlikely, CGI assisted ways.

While the original is bathed in notoriety, the closest this badly edited knock-off ever comes is the violent rape scene which features a fifty year old woman with bad teeth and saggy tits trying her hand at assertive lesbianism. And nobody needs to see that. Scenes drag on endlessly full of inane dialogue and bad acting, I lost count of how many times people literally spit on graves, and the tagged on final half an hour (which somehow manages to be simultaneously ridiculously stupid and mind-numbingly boring) is so utterly fucking woeful that it doesn't even bear thinking about.

An eighty year old director films his seventy year old wife being violently raped and murdered. Yeah, that's fun.

0 fists.
Just a massive finger of shit.

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Thu May 02, 2019 11:35 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
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Surprisingly enjoyable. It obviously doesn't top the original, but it pays affectionate and loving tribute to it. Blunt is fine, if a little chilly, as Poppins, and the blend of animation and live action is damn impressive. The songs are good without being memorable, and Dick Van Dyke has a heart warming cameo. It's a very retro film that tries to recapture the old Disney magic with new technology. It comes closer than most of their recent live action attempts, possibly because it doesn't stray too far from the original template aside from a blockbuster style set piece in the final act that seems a tad incongruous. Overall, it's not really trying to do anything new, and that's part of why it works.

Having said all that, it can't escape the feeling of being in the shadow of the original. It's like a classic band reuniting decades later without any of the original members. They look and sound good, but something is inevitably missing, no matter how pleasurable the experience is. The fact that the cast are clearly enthusiastic about the project goes a long way though.

I'd probably give it a 6.5/10. Maybe a 7.

I'm really keen to see Dumbo next.

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Sat May 04, 2019 1:49 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
I think The Tree of Life was the last film I mentioned.

Since then I've done

What Have You Done to Solange?
The Goob
L’Avventura
Mid90s
The Dirt
Disciples of the 36th Chamber
Creature
The Young Vagabond
A Room with a View
The Remains of the Day
Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key
Fisherman’s Friends
A Room with a View (with commentary track)
Death Smiles on a Murderer
Lisa and the Devil
Howards End
Police Story
They Live
Seven Dead in the Cat’s Eye
Tolkien
Torso

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Thu May 09, 2019 8:05 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Mary Poppins Returns is absolute dogshit. The wife fell asleep after less than an hour, and my thirteen year old daughter left it ten minutes later, preferring to do homework than watch any more. My seven year old yawned and went upstairs to draw, and my boy followed straight after. I'd turned it off before he reached the stairs.

The songs are instantly forgettable, the accents are even worse than Dick van Dyke's, the acting is rubbish, and it's not got a single funny line in it. Well in the first 70mins or so anyway.

A family film which managed to bore the living shit out of an entire family.




Currently watching the new Pet Sematary.
This is also shit.

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Thu May 09, 2019 8:45 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
^^The original hasn't stood up that well imo. Rewatched it 2 weeks ago. Forgot how bad the lead actor was. Since his performance provides the emotional anchor of the film, that is a huge problem.

Rewatching Dark Shadows. It is a little better than remembered. It copped flack mostly because people were getting sick of Burton-Depp-Carter collabos and it was campier than expected, but when taken as a silly meandering comedy it's somewhat more appealing. Looks great too.

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Sat May 11, 2019 3:24 am
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Stat_Rad wrote:
^^The original hasn't stood up that well imo. Rewatched it 2 weeks ago. Forgot how bad the lead actor was. Since his performance provides the emotional anchor of the film, that is a huge problem.

And yet still way better than Jason Clarke's single tear performance. And any scene with Jason Clarke tbf. Even Lithgow phones it in - although his Winston Churchill line is funny.

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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Spiny Norman wrote:
Stat_Rad wrote:
^^The original hasn't stood up that well imo. Rewatched it 2 weeks ago. Forgot how bad the lead actor was. Since his performance provides the emotional anchor of the film, that is a huge problem.

And yet still way better than Jason Clarke's single tear performance. And any scene with Jason Clarke tbf. Even Lithgow phones it in - although his Winston Churchill line is funny.


I can't imagine Lithgow being better than Gwynne in that role. It was one of Gwynne's most memorable performances. He totally owned that character.

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Sun May 12, 2019 2:57 am
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
It's not even close. Gwynne all the way. Lithgow doesn't boss any scene, and doesn't even attempt the Maine accent.

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Sun May 12, 2019 1:04 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
The way Lithgow delivers that 'death is better' line is so 'meh'. It lacks the gravity and force of Gwynne's delivery.

I've also heard the new PS is very slow moving too.

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Mon May 13, 2019 12:32 am
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
Like a snail caught in quicksand.





DEATH RACE - BEYOND ANARCHY
(2018)

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It's the future. Big sweaty men and scary looking women listen to Nu-Metal, kill each other with nasty weapons, and drive cars around Eastern European scrapyards at ridiculously high speeds.

There's very little story (a big muscular bloke is sent undercover to kill another big muscular bloke who wears a mask and drives a car really fast), so essentially it's just under two hours of blood, screaming, guns, knives, motorbikes, chainsaws, cars, blood, extreme violence, some lovely gratuitous nudity, and Danny Glover.

Oh, and I may now be in love with someone called Lucy Aarden.

3 Fists

(2 for the film, 1 for the nudity)

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Mon May 13, 2019 8:21 pm
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Post Re: Film Thread VI
WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD
(1983)

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Hold on to your jumpsuits, it's post-apocalypse 1983 again. Filmed in Italy, and starting with possibly the most unnecessarily lengthy and confusing opening crawl ever - not to mention a synthesizer music score that sounds like the inspiration for Garth Marenghi's Darkplace - Warrior of the Lost World stars Robert (The Exterminator) Ginty riding a talking motorbike and fighting post-apocalyptic Nazis.

Ginty plays "The Rider" (also known as "that guy" by cast members who quite possibly forgot, or may not have actually known, his character's name), a nomadic mercenary type who rides around on a 250cc motorbike - sorry - SUPERSONIC SPEEDCYCLE - powered by something like an Atari onboard computer with an annoying computer voice. It's the '80s of course, so the bike is equipped with machine guns and rocket launchers, and says things like MAXIMUM PURSUIT. It also likes insulting bad guys by calling them "Very bad mothers", "Dorks", "Geeks", "Dickheads", and "Veg Outs".

Oh, and it also flies. Sort of. When stopped by a patrol of heavily armed Nazi future cops, The Rider simply rides forwards and then is somehow airborne, landing badly about twenty feet away in a field. After speaking to himself at length in a stream of highly macho one-liners, The Rider is confronted by some punks who use words from A Clockwork Orange to make themselves a bit more futuristic. Knocked off his SUPERSONIC SPEEDCYCLE, he whistles it like a sheepdog and it comes back over to rescue him. Nice trick tbf.

For no reason at all, The Rider crashes into a cliff and wakes up in a big white cave with Fred (From Dusk Till Dawn) Williamson, and some mystical eternal type psychic fella standing over him, cleverly healing his wounds by shining a torch on them. Trying to enlist The Rider to help defeat the evil, tyrannical dictator PROSSOR (An embarrassed Donald Pleasence still dressed like Bond villain Ernst Blofeld), Fred and the psychic chap give up when The Rider says no thanks. The Rider reverses his decision when Nastasia, a sassy, and incredibly good looking female character (Persis Khambatta - the bald one from Star Trek: The Motionless Picture) pops up and tells him to rescue her father, pointing a gun at his danglies just to make sure he complies.

The pair head into a spooky cave full of tarantulas, snakes, and some unfriendly mutants, where The Rider pulls out a handy, portable flamethrower and sets everything on fire. Although the pair clearly dislike each other, it's also just as clear that they already fancy each other, and after entering the nearby city where Nastasia's father is being held prisoner, they both walk into an S&M dance club where the cameraman seems to be on a mission to film as many crotch shots as possible.

Deciding not to rescue Nastasia's father because it looks a bit tricky, The Rider eventually changes his mind, watching a lengthy and obviously painful execution before finally deciding to pull his gun out and start shooting bad guys. Completely cocking up the rescue, The Rider escapes on a nearby helicopter with the father but leaves Nastasia behind, refusing to go back because it's probably a bit difficult. Actually, this Rider bloke is a pretty shit hero tbf.

Kidnapped by Not Blofeld, Nastasia is tortured while The Rider finally gets his shit together, sorts his motorbike out, and goes into the desert to get some help. Upon arriving in the desert, we find all the Kung-Fu in the 1980s is happening there, plus some crap wrestle-fighting, and the punks from earlier (are they meant to be the same ones who attacked The Rider earlier or new ones? Ah, who fucking cares at this point?) looking like they're getting ready to shoot a heavy metal video.

The next half an hour is basically an extended fight sequence featuring Nazi cops, a big truck with spikes, and extras overacting their death scenes as badly as possible. The Rider's bike is smashed to pieces and you're meant to feel sorry for it as it lies crying in the road. Oh fuck off, you just know it's going to be fixed again by the end. Anyway, The Rider and his gang of Kung-Fu Heavy Metal Wrestlers win the day as Pleasence is shot to death and after a full minute of some extras applauding, everyone gets to live happily ever after. Including - as entirely predicted - the talking Atari motorbike.

But wait.
What's this?
Fred Williamson from earlier is A BAD GUY?!

And in a further development, we have a ROBOT TWIST as we discover Pleasence wasn't human after all! Yes, the evil Prossor was just a clone, and the real one makes his escape - presumably into a hoped-for-by-the-producers-but-literally-nobody-else spin-off TV series which thankfully never materialised.

3 Supersonic Speedcycles






MEGAFORCE
(1982)

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Another film starring the now deceased former Miss India, Persis Khambatta (Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Warrior of the Lost World), Megaforce is another silly futuristic story about two fictional warring countries in the 1980s. The baddie country (Gamibia) is led by General Guerara (Henry Silva from Alligator, Buck Rogers) while the goodie Country (Sardun) is represented by an elite force of haircuts and fancy motorbikes called Megaforce, led by Guerara's one-time friend, wait for it... ACE HUNTER (Barry Bostwick from Spin City, The Rocky Horror Picture Show).

The film begins with Guerara invading Sardun by blowing up a model village. Two high ranking government officials (Khambatta and Edward Mulhare - better known as Devon Miles from Knight Rider) are sent to enlist the help of Megaforce. Megaforce HQ is basically a budget Bond villain headquarters with lots of ridiculous looking vehicles, machines with blinking lights, and people in the background randomly pushing buttons and twiddling knobs.

After Mulhare devises a pointlessly overly complicated plan, the sassy Khambatta is given a time-honoured "I may only be a woman but I can do everything a man can do... and better" storyline but is told she can't go on the mission anyway. So, that last ten minute training with guns and parachutes montage was a waste of time then.

Wearing a snazzy looking silver jumpsuit, a headband and cheesy grin, Bostwick leads his team into battle where everything goes a bit tits up and all the wrong things explode, but then everything goes right, and with a flying motorbike and some embarrassingly cheap blue screen work, Megaforce eventually explode all the right things and (SPOILER) win the day.

Bad acting, sluggish direction, accidentally hilarious special effects, and a truly heroic music score which combines the best bits of Battlestar Galactica and The A-Team, Megaforce was actually touted to be the next big thing after Star Wars. It bombed tragically, and even a member of the catering staff has apologised for it on the Imdb.

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SHE-WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND
aka Phoenix the Warrior
(1988)

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Another sci-fi adventure starring Persis Khambatta, She-Wolves of the Wasteland promises plenty but delivers very little. Basically Mad Max with a virtually all female cast, the story about an old witch controlling the sex of babies so no more males can ever be born, on paper, could actually have legs. Unfortunately, on film, it really doesn't.

Essentially ninety minutes of bikinis, big hair, dune buggies and machine guns, the film just sort of plods along throwing in some gratuitous - but welcome - female nudity along the way. Annoyingly however, lead actress Kathleen Kinmont (Halloween 4, Bride of Re-Animator) keeps her loincloths on at all times. Pah!

Highlights include two women showering in a waterfall like they're posing for Playboy, some gloriously overacted death scenes, character names such as Riptide, Whiplash, Chainsaw, and Snapper, a baby suddenly being delivered without any warning whatsoever followed by the whole film flashing forwards five or six years but failing to even acknowledge it in the script, some of the worst (but bounciest) gladiatorial combat ever filmed, and an admittedly funny bunch of wasteland mutants who worship the almighty TV.

All the baddies have Stormtrooper Syndrome, unable to hit even those stood directly in front of them, the main villain is just an old lady in a wheelchair, and the whole thing just sort of... happens.

1 Fist

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